Before we list the signs of an emotionally abusive mother, let’s talk about the different types of maternal attachment. It wasn’t until the late 1940’s that researchers, in particular, John Bowlby, started exploring the significance of the maternal role in child development. Bowlby coined the phrase ‘Attachment Theory,’ which stipulated that for a child to grow up as a healthy and well-balanced individual, it was necessary to experience a warm and loving relationship with its mother.
However, not all children have this warm
relationship. Some experience neglect, they are ignored, they are frightened, they can even be smothered with affection.
Bowlby believed that there were four types of attachment:
Secure attachment
When a mother fulfils all its child’s needs and the child forms a strong and healthy loving bond, then this is a secure attachment. The mother is consistent with her behaviour towards the child and sensitive to its needs.
The child feels secure enough to explore its surroundings without the mother nearby. Although it will be distressed when the mother is gone, it is soon placated upon her return. These children grow into healthy individuals.
Anxious-avoidant/insecure attachment
When a mother is distant and unresponsive to her child’s needs, the child becomes
anxious and distrusts the mother. The child acts indifferently to the mother and does not trust them to fulfil their needs. They are not confident enough to explore their surroundings without the mother and act emotionally indifferent upon her return.
These children grow up to be quite emotionless in their relationships and often swing from clingy behaviour to outright hostility.
Anxious/ambivalent attachment
A mother that is sometimes responsive and at other times
neglectful sends mixed messages to her child in that she cannot be trusted.
These children never know where they stand and show a mixture of helplessness and resentment towards the mother. Growing up they are likely to be
passive-aggressive and show signs of insecurity.
Disorganized/disoriented attachment
When a
mother swings between two extremes, such as smothering their child with love and then acting aggressively, children do not know how to react in these circumstances. They can be depressed, violent, passive or apathetical.
They are likely to grow into individuals with no boundaries, who manipulate others for their own benefit and can fly off the handle at the slightest provocation.
What are the signs of an emotionally abusive mother?
